One of the most commonly asked questions of people who are (or have been) in an abusive
relationship is “why don’t you just leave?” It often gets confused into the belief that a person
deserves to be abused because it is perceived that he or she would not leave the relationship.
This is a dangerous assumption and one that Domestic Violence programs try to dispel. The
following list of responses have been compiled by counselors of battered women after asking
questions about why she stayed in a violent relationship. (This is a pro-feminist list but many answers
can be gender neutral. Note that these responses are in no particular order.)
- Economic dependence: “Who will support me and the children?”
- Children: “A violent father is still better than no father at all”
- Religious and family pressure to keep the family together.
- Security: Fear of being alone and unable to cope with the children and home by herself.
- Loyalty: “He’s sick. If he had a broken leg or cancer I would stay with him. This is no
different.”
- Pity: “He is so much worse off than I am.”
- Pressure to be nurturing: “If I stay, I can help him get better.”
- Fear of his suicide: “He says he’ll kill himself if I leave.”
- Denial: “It’s really not so bad.”
- Love: “I love him. When he is not abusive he is quite loving and lovable.”
- Duty: “I said I’d stay married to him until death do us part.”
- Guilt: He says the marital problems are her fault and that she is the cause of his
problems. She believes him.
- Responsibility: Many people feel it is the wife’s responsibility to keep the marriage
together emotionally, and the husband’s responsibility is financial. She believes this
too.
- Shame, embarrassment, humiliation: “I don’t want anyone to know.”
- Identity: Many women think they need a man to feel compete.
- Optimism; “Things will get better.”
- Low self-esteem: “It must be my fault.” “I must deserve it.” “I’ll never find anyone better.”
- Survival: He has threatened to find her if she ever leaves and kill her and the children.
- “Learned helplessness”: When she tries unsuccessfully to stop the violence, she comes
to believe that changing her situation is not possible. This is reinforced by others who
ignore the problem, do not believe it really happened or blame her.
- Controlled: Women who are controlled and terrorized by their husbands / boyfriends
live with unending fear and stress. Similar to hostages, they become confused,
exhausted and lack the energy needed to make changes. They lose their sense of self.
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