Red Flags to Consider

The presence of these situations does not definitively indicate that your partner is abusive, but if many of these situations exist you are most likely being abused by your partner and may want to talk with someone and get support. On the other hand, if many of the situations listed are ways you act, you may be abusive to your partner and may want to talk with someone to learn other ways of dealing with your anger or emotions.

Your partner:

• Was abusive in a former relationship; may blame his/her ex for the problem
• Is charming, enters your life during a crisis, and seem to take charge and make everything “better”
• Refuses to talk or sulks when there is a problem
• Slams doors, shouts or calls you names during a disagreement
• Loses his/her temper frequently and more easily or explosively than seems appropriate
• Makes frequent promises to change or improve his/her behavior but never seems to do it
• Seems to have low self esteem and may consider himself/herself a failure despite others perceptions of his/her success
• Will accept no responsibility for any mistakes at home, work, with family, etc.
• Blames you for the times he/she yells at you, manipulates you or hurts you
• Is jealous of any other significant person in your life
• Expects you to spend all of your free time with him/her or to keep him/her informed of your whereabouts when you do not
• Accuses you of lying about where you have been or who you have been with
• Accuses you of having affairs with other people
• Is demanding and uses non-consensual force during sex
• Ignores “safe words”
• Tries to punish you by refusing to have sex and withholding affection
• Destroys your property or hurts your pets
• Gives you flowers, gifts and / or apologies for how sorry he/she is for hurting you
• Manipulates you by threatening to hurt or kill himself/herself
• Uses drugs and / or alcohol excessively
• Appears to have a dual personality; one moment he/she is charming and warm, and the next angry, violent and or cruel
• Has oppressive beliefs and / or values: sexism, classism, racism, homophobia and puts you or others down for differences
• Threatens to hit or slap you
• Hits, kicks, grabs, slaps, shoves or pushes you

One final note: if you feel a sense of fear when your partner gets angry or you spend most of your time trying to make sure your partner doesn’t get angry and remains happy, it is possible you are being controlled by your partner’s behavior. If you are unsure about what is happening in your relationship, please talk with a counselor who will help you make some sense of what may be going on.